![]() ![]() I didn't have a stable up bringing, and would stay with different people over a week as my mum worked multiple jobs. I have memories of being a child and being alone. I have random episodes of uncontrollable crying, which also makes it difficult to be in the world. Sorry I can't explain every life experience on here so there's more context to why I feel suicide is an option but I'm in agony all the time. Sometimes I think that it might be the only way for people to recognise that im not OK. I want the pain to stop but im afraid the technique I use will inflict more pain, or im unsuccessful. I've wanted to kill myself for some time. Sorry this is so long but I'm realising that this is the only place I feel comfortable finally expressing all these feelings in a non judgemental space. I feel very misunderstood, rejected and pathetic for having these feels as on the surface everything appears fine. I do this out of the fear of completing isolating myself from society, as the loneliness hurts more than anything. ![]() I've spent my life masking and finding ways to appear neurotypical. I had a support worker for a while but the state let them go as they felt I needed to use the tools I'd learnt in practice. ![]() There's more but I don't know if its important My coping/comforting techniques are to scratch my eyelashes, which are now short and brittle coddle myself or talk to myself, tell myself that things are ok. This is also partly why I choose to isolate as I do this in public and feel frightened about what I might say to someone else. I often dissociate and find myself talking to myself, and only realise once I'm out of it, which frightens me as I've caught myself saying some dark things like wanting to kill others or myself. I see things very literally and naturally take sarcasm and jokes seriously. I have aspergers and suffer from social anxiety, which comes across as arrogance or insensitive to others - I know this because I have history of people openly telling me, or others that I come across rude or unlikeable - which is ironic as I'm extremely insecure and overcompensate by being very polite. I feel embarrassed to admit it as my life appears stable, but I'm confident I have ptsd, or some kind of trauma related symptoms from my childhood. This is the first time openly admitting that I regularly feel suicidal and I don't really know what my expectations are after this. ![]()
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